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wtf is this

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Save me from online dating.

 

This site is intended to aide me in the search for Mr. Right. I’m too old to apply for the Bachelor, and I can’t find Bill Murray.

You can read all about me, and if you think we would hit it off, you can fill out the application. 75% of you will quickly decide that it’s not a good idea. For 99% of you, it’s really not.

Feel free to browse without obligation to buy. This isn’t a department store. I won’t jump out from behind the candles and force you into purchasing a high end knife set. You deserve better. Instead I will slowly manipulate you into supporting my botox and Taco Bell addictions, but that comes much later.

Now that I have your attention, you’re probably wondering if this is real.

Enthusiastically, YES ! It is. Mildly attractive, funny guys are the only thing you can’t get delivered to your home. This has caused me the agonizing stress of leaving my apartment on weeknights.

Dating apps are the pits. I’m tired of reading about how everyone loves dogs and tacos. Be sure to have a passport handy all times for spontaneous trips to Europe! How does everyone afford to take these last minute trips, when they’ve surely lost their jobs running off like that ?

It’s the opposite of catfishing. I’m doing my civic duty in showing you what it’s like to actually date me. Wouldn’t it be great to know all of my attributes up front, instead of 6 months from now? By that time you would be emotionally invested, and slowly awaken to the fact that I will get mad over nothing, manipulate you into thinking its your fault, then ruin your chance of having a normal relationship with the next girl.

Let’s see what happens.